Car Blinkers and You!


I have to tell you, one of the most irritating things a driver can do to me is drive for miles with their blinker on.  Driving with one blinker on makes no sense to me.  Even in olden times when Fred  Flintstone cars were the norm the car made a sound. Snic-Snic… That’s what It did. Now they Beep and chime and whistle and I’m sure Bell just for the sake of consistency.

Image result for leaving my blinker on

So I follow along watching it blink and wondering what the person driving is thinking about?  Maybe, they have the radio on and can’t hear the sound. Possible, but they should still be able to see the blinking light on the panel unless it is so loud that the driver is completely blinded by sound now as well. I suppose it could be possible that they think they have to much blinker fluid and are trying to use some up. Lord knows enough folks run out of blinker fluid and that cause a complete lack of blinker use at all. Mostly what I think is some people are just oblivious as to what is going around them. Radio on, drinking the coffee, texting, singing,  putting on makeup, reading the paper, checking their email on the laptop. You are laughing, I’ve been in a car with a person who does it.On the other side of this is the ones who never signal anything… they just drive around like they are on some preprogrammed computerized route that everyone knows about. Turn left, Turn right… nope, you have to guess what they are doing. These are usually the people who also swerve in and out of lanes trying to knock 45 seconds of their travel time. To these lovely people… and you know who you are I give you this coupon. Use it.no-purchase-required-free-blinker-fluid-1-free-bottle-iin-4971948All of that just to let you know that you… (pointing out of monitor) YES YOU! use your blinkers.

 

Bobbie the Giraffe — Coffee Encounter


Bobbi had heard stories about coffee since he was just 4 feet tall and to young to venture far from his mother. It was always ‘Don’t stray to far Bobbi’, as if he could ever get to far from his Mother she was so much bigger than he, so much faster. Today though Bobbi was finally tall enough to go off and his own. Amongst Giraffe’s it wasn’t about age, but height. Today Bobbi was as tall as the shorter Acacia tree’s they all ate from and finally he was going to go find the coffee. Mmmmmm Coffee, thought Bobbi.

Bobbi got all of his things together, his sneakers were all laced up and his hat was perched neatly on his head and last but not least, his coffee mug he had been given by a local tourist who’s son he had posed in a picture with when he was just 5 feet tall. I’m all set I suppose, no sense in waiting.  Bobbi wandered over to his Mother who was very tall for a female Giraffe and also very dignified as only a Giraffe could be with her long graceful neck and beautiful spots, a white slash of fur down her chest. ‘Mother I’m ready to go, do you have any advice for me?’

‘Advice? Yes, don’t go, Giraffe’s don’t drink coffee, and even if we did that mug of yours is far to small for a proper drink.’ Bobbi’s mother began circling around Bobbi looking him over, ‘and for goodness sake, don’t go out wearing your good shoes, those are for school.’

‘Mother, these aren’t my good shoes, these are my coffee bean design shoes see.’ Holding his hoof up to his Mother Bobbi thinks. All I want to do is go and get the coffee, I have to taste it, she just doesn’t understand. The smell, the amazing smell of the coffee its like heaven. She just doesn’t understand me. ‘ Besides Mom, its not that far to town, I wont be gone long maybe an hour’.

‘Fine fine dear just don’t be long, and for goodness sake be careful’. She replied turning away to continue her work.

With that Bobbi turned his body toward the town and began his trek. As soon as I get out of sight I can run she won’t know, besides these are my shoes. I traded my best copy of “To fool a Lion'” for them. Crossing over the hill headed to town Bobbi looked back to check that his mother wasn’t following, then as his head dipped below the hillside he began to run. Giraffe’s can reach speeds up to 50 mph when full grown but 40 is the best Bobbi could do for now; but he ran the whole way to town unable to wait for the first amazing cup of coffee.

Bobbi arrived in town after only 10 minutes of running, excited and out of breath. I’m here, I’m here! Now to find the coffee.  Looking around briefly Bobbi saw a sign with a picture of his mug on it. Quickly he cantered off down the street towards the sign, ‘Excuse Me, Excuse Me!’ Bobbi cried as he tried to keep from tripping over people and animals on his way to the shop.  Finally standing in front of it the place he had imagined for almost a year Bobbi could barely contain himself as he did a little Giraffe dance right in front of the shop. Excitedly Bobbi entered the Coffee shop and looked around. Shelves filled with cups and mugs were everywhere, bags of what he could only assume were coffee wherever he looked. The entire place had a wonderful fragrance that could only be the coffee. Approaching the counter Bobbi handed his special mug to the worker, ‘Could you please fill my cup with the best coffee you have?’

His cup returned to him Bobbi went to a table by the window and looked into it. A dark color almost the shade of the blackest thunderstorm. Steam rose from the cup bringing with it the magical smell he had dreamed of for most of a year now. Without any more hesitation Bobbi took his cup and downed it all in one big swallow.

Jenna standing behind the counter nearly jumped out of her skin as a loud screech came from the window table, followed by the sound of a mug smashing to the floor. A young giraffe was stumbling around and holding his throat as if he had just drank a boiling pot of water and burned himself from the tip of his tongue down all 5 feet of his neck.Which she supposed he really had, as she watched the giraffe finally bolted out the door and ran off down the street still screaming. ‘You know, I always thought giraffe’s were mute until I started working here.’

The End.

The Sock Experiments…


Understand, I have never ever done a complete load of just socks before… this is a first from me but I wanted to try and get them all white with bleach and stuff… even the black socks and striped ones and colored ones… all about uniformity. I did this because I am constantly losing socks in the wash… somehow there is always one missing. I figured If I turned them all white it wouldn’t matter… so bleach it is (yes it is great to be a guy)

So a few problems here… One … well the bleach thing didn’t work out like I planned… Two… there are a big pile of missing socks. So I decided to investigate once and for all I had a few thoughts on what could be going on.

Where Do Those Socks Go?

So sad, what has the world come too.

So sad, what has the world come too.

 

#1 The dryer is the being that delivers the sock puppet babies to expectant sock puppet parents. It does explain a few things if you look at it from just the right perspective (mine). We get half our genes from each of our parents. Eye color, skin tone, noses, bone structure… all of it we get from a blending of two individuals. Where do Sock puppets get theirs from? Well I believe it is possible that some force in this universe snatches the sock that would be a blending of the Mom and Dad sock puppet and delivers it to them via dryer. Similar to Stork deliveries only much more mysterious.

"Well Dear he does have your stripes and my Coloration".

“Well Dear he does have your stripes and my Coloration”.

#2 The dryer is secretly part of the Kitchen appliance conspiracy or perhaps the washer is framing it.  For those of you unaware, kitchen appliances have been out to get us for years they have been quietly building up their abilities. I’ll talk about that more some other post but for now, is it possible that the Washer and Dryer are both involved as well? I think it could even be possible that the Washer is really the one eliminating the socks and we simply blame the dryer, after all who sorts wet clothes to put in the Dryer. We are missing a step in our search for the truth. One of you readers should check this theory for me I’m to busy keeping g the gnome population in check.

Only the Major appliances seem to have skills. Things like coffee pots and simple toasters appear to be minions only.

Only the Major appliances seem to have skills. Things like coffee pots and simple toasters appear to be minions only.

 

#3 All dryers everywhere are part of S.P.E.W.  The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, known as S.P.E.W., was founded in 1994 by Hermione Granger in response to what she saw as gross injustice in the treatment of house-elves. It is possible that in an attempt to help House-Elves get clothing in order to free them all Dryers everywhere have been made to disaparate one sock from the laundry into a warehouse at an undisclosed location in order to further S.P.E.W.’s goals. Critics of this theory claim it has one very large draw back. Socks have been disappearing since the invention  of the Dryer it would be unlikely that an organization only created in 1994 could be responsible. However, Hermione has possessed a Time-Turner before it is possible she used it to advance her cause.

It is possible... this could be it.

It is possible… this could be it.

** Note that House Elves are not really Elves, see page 29 for further information.

 

#4 A dimensional shift cause the socks to swap between alternate dryers. This seems to be taking hold as a possibility in some circles. Science… Always trying to explain things with rationals and such. Well if this were true at some picture below should have happened. It hasn’t happened at my house yet. I asked a few other people if it had ever happened to them and they all said no. So much for Science, these are the same folks that decided Pluto wasn’t a planet anymore, not sure why I listen to them after that fiasco.funny-laundry-law-infinite-probability

#5 Socks are an easy victim of spontaneous combustion. Socks have to go someplace and there is an awful lot of lint in my dryer vents… Is it possible the poor things just burst into flames? Poor socks, they are clean and warm, spinning around having a good time in the dryer when all of a sudden PFWOOSH!!! Combustion and then… sucked into the lint trap. We would never know, I wouldn’t I don’t have a glass opening on the dryer so I cant see in there… does anyone have a glass opening that could sit for say…. a few months and check this theory out?04f01629e65553750355c690e7522725cc036d

 

In an attempt to get us all answers, I asked God directly. God however is a busy Entity and hasn’t responded yet. Perhaps he prefers we all work this one out on our own. Where do you think the socks go? I would love to know. Leave a comment and perhaps, just perhaps together we can figure out this mystery together.

 

Golden Retriever Sock Recovery Program... still working out the bugs on this.

Golden Retriever Sock Recovery Program… still working out the bugs on this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Zombie Gnomes III The Apocalypse…. errr or not.


For a while there I was having some serious problems with Gnomes and Zombies. The normal gnomes were bad enough but the infected ones… so much worse. The only good part about the infected ones was their inability to move far without be seeing them do it. Still though, creepy little things. Apparently I no longer need to be worried about Garden Gnomes… at least not the Zombie variety.  Look what I can do now… How awesome is this. I can place them wherever I need to and if Worse comes to worse I have high powered lawn mowers just waiting in reserve all it took was a few trips to the local statuary and some parts from Radio Shack to SkyNet the Lawnmowers. No more sneaking little garden gnomes… or worse the zombified ones will trouble me.I can defend my entire yard now. No more Gnomes, no more Zombie Gnomes... Excellent.

They can creep and crawl all they want but I took my inspiration from various people on the net Apparently I am not the only one who has issues with the stupid evil little freakish gnomes scaring the crap out of people. Fortunately we have plants… they will take care of Zombies and Gnomes… I love these guys. Some of them are good for the daytime and some for the night… regardless I have never felt so safe since my flamethrower was confiscated. Let me tell you that wasn’t fun trying to get a new flamethrower… fortunately you can look almost anything up on the internet. Super soaker for the win!

I have the best Yard EVER!

 
I have the best Yard EVER!

This Evil bastard was trying to dart around behind me with his Pickaxe when he was stopped by my new friends. Nothing like a little imagination and some teamwork in order to keep Evil at bay. I must say, the cost was up there though. Cost me all of my Start Trek trading cards, My Talking Bacon Toy and three…THREE different versions of my Pikachu Trading card… a high price, very high indeed but I feel so much safer now.

He thought he was safe running past while my back was turned... I love My New Plants! I feel safe!

He thought he was safe running past while my back was turned… I love My New Plants! I feel safe!

Wondering Where to get Some of these toys??? CLICK

WATCH THE TRAILER!!!! ITS AWESOME!!!!

Things to avoid on Valentine’s Day


There are certain things you should avoid on Valentine’s day. This should be a simple enough topic… and yet… business’s are trying to trick you. For example on my nightly run for coffee I found this in the local convenience store.

Happy Valentines day love... Have a breath mint!

Happy Valentines day love… Have a breath mint!

This is without a doubt in my mind one of the absolute worst things you could buy “that special someone”. I can only imagine what the person receiving this charming little heart shaped tin of Altoids would be thinking. Although I suppose it could be something of a niche type product… chronic halitosis and love… I suppose we all have our little foibles. If I was given this as a gift I would be inserting the box into their mouth as I kicked their ass out the door.

Happy Valentines day... Your an amazingly wonderful partner... except for one thing...

Happy Valentines day… Your an amazingly wonderful partner… except for one thing…

LOL.. come on now… Dr. Ruth knows what she’s talking about… Happy Valentines day Lover, now.. go read this book and take notes… there will be a test and if you fail again… well lets just say you wont have to worry to much about an offensive gift next year. 🙂 Cross this off the list folks, and move on sheesh…

"Sweetheart I made us reservations at an amazing castle for Valentines day"

“Sweetheart I made us reservations at an amazing castle for Valentines day”

I’m telling you right now… you will not get laid taking anyone to White Castle for Valentines day, but you will sure as hell need the Altoids afterwards. Ok maybe some people… but.. you better have all your shots current. This might be fine if your name is Harold or Kumar… but I doubt it. Hmm ok or if you and the special someone are as high as a broken down space station.

 

Picking the wrong size can get you killed.

Another serious no no… I think this picture is fairly self explanatory… never ever get a woman clothes that are to big for them. Doing this on Valentines day will cause a second St Valentine’s Day Massacre. Chances are they will never find all the pieces to your corpse.

 

Now I know this is short, and it’s been a while since I put anything up on here… But, on the plus side of this if everything goes as it looks like it will be you will have quite a bit to read from me… by next Valentine’s day, Prolly sooner.

 

valentines-day-quotes

Happy Valentines day Everyone, Much Love to you all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Followers on my Blog — It’s nice to have them!


Having new followers on your blog is a fantastic occurrence. It seems to happen whenever I am not looking though. I haven’t really advertised much, a bit here, a bit there. Nothing outrageous but it adds up for sure. There are things I could do to make it progress faster of course; I don’t though. I’ve decided to do a blog post about getting followers… Or drones, minions? Perhaps lackeys… Nah that’s mean lets go with followers. Just remember that in my head… I’m referring to them as Minions.

Resistance is Futile…. You will follow the Blog!

One of the very first things you should think about is what you want your Blog to be about. Something nice like Pets? Perhaps something political or a cause you feel strongly about. I personally feel strongly about Zombie Gnomes. I have done a few postings on this already and plan on doing another in the near future. Then there is my Evil Overlord Tips, I didn’t create them, well one or two but back when that started people were putting in many of the same ideas, so I’m sure at best I can only share the credit. The point is though… I do feel strongly that today’s aspiring overlords should revisit the classics.

See things from your own perspective.

Stay on topic, your blog should have some form of a theme. Mine is obviously a skewed look at the world around me. On occasion, I just find some of the more mundane things in life funny, but only because of how I perceive it to be. Few people think of the DMV as Dante‘s Inferno. It’s ok to stray from your chosen niche on occasion but overall stick with your theme, or you will lose your readers…

These seem to be Word keys… Perhaps they will work!

Keyword’s and optimization will help get the word out. I really don’t even know what this means… Not sure why words need keys.The only places they go they are usually welcome, and I have never actually seen a lock on a dictionary. It must be some kind of a club… I suppose it’s hard to get in the dictionary apparently you need a key. In all seriousness though… think of what you would type in to find what you are writing about then insert that into your title and writing. It’s possibly words do need keys though… I’ll ask one once my meds kick in.

This is the secret, those that matter will follow and those that don’t you will never know

Keep it short and to the point! Lets be honest no one wants to read 57 lines of poetry on your blog. Well, I don’t, BUT the people who follow you do. The type of people who like what you write do and guess what… then they will read it. So screw keeping it short and to the point. If you want to be short, then do so, long, then do so. If you want to write in Iambic Pentameter I’m sure there are groups of people who would be thrilled to follow along…be yourself unless of course you can be Batman… then you know what to do!

This shows how many blue lines can be put on a globe from one point… no this is a representation of sex trafficking…. no… something about blogs then I guess

Follow other blogs, be part of the community. This one is important. I try very hard to add links to my posts to other blogs with a similar theme or idea as what I just wrote. I go to other blogs and read. I try very hard to fit in, I lurk… like the Shadow, Who knows 🙂 Old joke sorry about that… I spun it a bit though. In all seriousness though, participate on other people blogs show your appreciation. Let them know that you really LOVED their post about Zombie Toaster Ovens. If you don’t want to participate on anyone else’s thats fine just come here and participate on mine.

Nothing like a warm …. ummm what the hell is that!

Don’t forget to always add something sexy to the posting… umm wait no… never mind. 🙂 I promised I would add that in. disregard.

Big Bird For President! Election 2012


Big Bird today announced his intentions to become a third party candidate as a write in for President while he can not be eligible for a write in this year he wants to raise awareness and give people the option in 2016. Instructions can be found here.

Big Birds Unofficial Announcement!

Good evening. I am here to announce my intention to seek the countries blessing in becoming the President of the United States.

I’m sure that each of us has seen our country from a number of viewpoints depending on where we’ve lived and what we’ve done. For me it has been as a  growing up on a quite street to be found in every town and in every home. Sesame Street.

I’ve seen America from the porch of my friends Bob and Susan. I learned manners and responsibility from Mr. Hooper who owned the Malt shop. As an actor, President of the local Muppet Union, and as a celebrity. I’ve lived in America where those who often had too little to eat outnumbered those who had enough. Where children are taken advantage of and misunderstood and where things that are good and wholesome are mocked to score points for reasons passing understanding.

To me our country is a living, breathing presence just like Sesame Street. Unimpressed by what others say, proud of its own success, generous, and  yes, naive. Naive because while we do good works others seek to tear us down, both foreign and domestic.

Someone once said that the difference between an American and any other kind of person is that an American lives in anticipation of the future because he knows it will be a great place. Other people fear the future as just a repetition of past failures. There’s a lot of truth in that. If there is one thing we are sure of it is that history need not be relived; that nothing is impossible, and that man and bird is capable of improving his circumstances beyond what we are told is fact. Through PBS and the Children’s Television Workshop I have taught patience, manners and an overall sense of understanding to children in more than 120 countries.

There are those in our land today, however, who would have us believe that America and Sesame Street, like other great Countries and shows of the past, has reached the end of its usefulness that we are weak and should be reduced to just some footnote in history, an experiment gone bad or a reality television show.

Much of this talk has come from leaders who claim that our problems are too difficult to handle. We are supposed to meekly accept their failures as the most which humanly can be done. They tell us we must learn to live with less, and teach our children that their lives will be less full and prosperous than ours have been; that the America of the coming years will be a place where–because of our past excesses–it will be impossible to dream and make those dreams come true.

I don’t believe that. And, I don’t believe you do either. That is why I am seeking the presidency. I cannot and will not stand by and see this great country destroy itself. Our leaders attempt to blame their failures on circumstances beyond their control, on false estimates by unknown, unidentifiable experts who rewrite modern history in an attempt to convince us our Public Broadcast System, the result of thrift and hard work, is somehow selfish extravagance which we must renounce as we join in sharing scarcity. I don’t agree that our nation must resign itself to inevitable decline, yielding its proud position to other hands. I am totally unwilling to see this country fail in its obligation to itself and to its obligation to the children. Sesame Street has been all about Inclusion since 1966 a mixed cast a mixed crew a mixed audience. Everyone can relate to it and if Elected everyone will be able to relate to America as well. We are a melting pot of beliefs and ideas and the only wrong thinking is not thinking at all.

The crisis we face is not the result of any failure of the American spirit; it is failure of our leaders at all levels both State and Federal who allow history to pass them by as they try to decide what they do by polling and political analysts. Leadership is about Leading, not polling, not analyzing what people want to hear, but by telling people what they need to hear. If I am elected, I shall regard my election as proof that the people of the United States have decided to set a new agenda and have recognized that the human spirit thrives best when goals are set and progress can be measured in their achievement. Sesame Street embodies this we should take our lessons from them.

No problem that we face today can compare with the need to restore the health of the American economy and the strength of the American dollar. Double-digit inflation has robbed you and your family of the ability to plan. It has destroyed the confidence to buy and it threatens the very structure of family life itself as more and more people need multiple jobs to make ends meet. At the same time, the lack of real growth in the economy has introduced the justifiable fear in the minds of working men and women who are already overextended that soon there will be fewer jobs and no money to pay for even the necessities of life. And tragically as the cost of living keeps going up, the standard of living which has been our great pride keeps going down. Cutting must be done, budgets must be trimmed and excess spending removed. PBS isn’t the problem, congressional spending on frivolities is. Time wasted in careful study of the most simple matters is. Companies and people thinking they are better than others and should be treated differently is. Fair is fair we all should pay our share.

The key to restoring the health of the economy lies in cutting taxes. At the same time, we need to get the waste out of federal spending. This does not mean sacrificing essential services, nor do we need to destroy the system of benefits which flow to the poor, elderly, the sick and the handicapped. We have long since committed ourselves, as a people, to help those among us who cannot take care of themselves.

On the foreign front there will be severe pressures upon the United States and its allies. We can expect to be tested in ways calculated to try our patience, to confound our resolve and to erode our belief in ourselves. During a time when the Terrorists abound, we must never waiver in our commitment to our allies nor accept any negotiation which is not clearly in the national interest. We must judge carefully. Though we should leave no initiative untried in our pursuit of peace, we must be clear voiced in our resolve to resist any unpeaceful act wherever it may occur. We will not negotiate with Terrorists or those who support them.

Now let us work toward the goal of using the assets of this country, its resources, technology, and foodstuffs in the most efficient ways But there remains the greatness of our people, our capacity for dreaming up fantastic deeds and bringing them off to the surprise of an unbelieving world. When Washington’s men were freezing at Valley Forge, Tom Paine told his fellow Americans: “We have it in our power to begin the world over again,” we still have that power.

I believe this nation hungers for a spiritual revival; hungers to once again see honor placed above political expediency; to see government once again the protector of our liberties, not the distributor of gifts and privilege. Government should uphold and not undermine those institutions which are custodians of the very values upon which civilization is founded–religion, education and, above all, family. Government cannot be clergyman, teacher and patriot. It is our servant, beholden to us.

So let us begin anew my friends. Let America ring forth.

After the announcement we spoke with Big Bird. He spoke of possible cabinet appointments and the possibility of asking Oscar to be his VP. Tentatively it looks as though the Count will be in charge of banking reform and he is looking at placing Chuck Norris as Secretary of State, Saying “Chuck and I go way back he was on Sesame street too.”

As a matter of fact hundreds of people have been on Sesame Street including four First Ladies A Secretary General of the United Nations. Stephen Colbert, Conan O’brien, Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, Larry King, Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters and Oprah Winfrey. I’m sure he expects their full support. Remember, “Big Heart, Big Ideas, Big Bird!”

This Announcement was brought to you by the Letter “F” and the number “8”. With a Special thanks to President Reagan’s 1980 speech writing staff.