Professional Tree Climber!


After yesterdays post I felt the need to be silly again… Although I must admit It really wasn’t my fault. You see things in my life have changed yet again and It seems my writing will need to go on hold again while I make sure the people in my house have food… As all I know is retail though I’m trying to branch out (pun intended).

So I looked through the different sites for Management positions, apply for several I really don’t want and one that I really do want… A lot, I want it a lot… Training people is the best. Anyway, I hope I get the training job. Not the point though, the point is I decided to look for other things outside of retail. Jobs that had words like entry level in it. I found one.. I wont post the actual job. but…

Tree Climber Wanted

Award-winning residential landscape lighting firm seeks Tree Climber for full-time employment. The ideal candidate has one to two years of climbing experience, and possess a thorough knowledge of equipment and climbing procedures. The applicant should be a self-starter with a desire to excel within a rapidly growing company. Salary is commensurate with experience. Benefits include vacation, medical and quarterly bonus. Must have a current State drivers license.

Job Type: Full-time

Required experience:

  • Tree Climber: 1 year

Required license or certification:

  • Drivers License

I would love to send a cover letter in for this with a resume about my childhood.

Dear Hiring Manager of Tree Climbers Inc.

Since I was a young boy of three or four it has always been a dream of mine to be a professional Tree Climber. I have ample experience climbing. I’ve climbed Pine, Spruce, Oak and even Ash trees. In addition I believe my experience in climbing the walls and furniture has given me a unique perspective on what it truly means to be a climber.

Enclosed is my resume and Application for review detailing my climbing exploits as a young man with testimonials by both parents and teachers. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 

Image result for calvin and hobbs tree climbing

 

 

 

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Free Light Show – An Age Old Wonder!


I have been driving legally since 1988, like most people I have my  share of tickets from those younger dumber days. I have gotten tickets for the dumbest reasons and some rather stupid (on my part ones).

Image result for lightss on vehicles

 

This of course ended with me saying that I did “Pay for a nice light show”. On occasion I would add in something about being cheated on the dancers, or they should have had a comic to warm me up first. My cousin was a volunteer firefighter at the time and had a blue light-bar on his truck and would occasionally flip it on just for me so I could get my “Fix” before driving home, hoping to keep me from getting another ticket.

Image result for blue volunteer firefighter lightbar
I had lightshows for speeding, no headlights, driving on the beach, driving off road (in a Camaro), Swerving (hey it was a good song), Loud muffler (same Camaro… the donut ring would snap once a month), One I got citations for 12 things all in one stop because my humor about joke’s or dancing didn’t go well. My girlfriend at the time wasn’t as amused as I was… still isn’t but she married me anyway. When she reads this I will get snarked at again I’m almost certain of it.
Image result for traffic tickets funny
I only get free lightshows now, other people pulled over, firetrucks going by, ambulances on there way to save lives. It’s not as exciting as it was, I’m not as foolish as I once was I suppose. Maybe I’m just boring, who knows?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got a ticket for?

 

Car Blinkers and You!


I have to tell you, one of the most irritating things a driver can do to me is drive for miles with their blinker on.  Driving with one blinker on makes no sense to me.  Even in olden times when Fred  Flintstone cars were the norm the car made a sound. Snic-Snic… That’s what It did. Now they Beep and chime and whistle and I’m sure Bell just for the sake of consistency.

Image result for leaving my blinker on

So I follow along watching it blink and wondering what the person driving is thinking about?  Maybe, they have the radio on and can’t hear the sound. Possible, but they should still be able to see the blinking light on the panel unless it is so loud that the driver is completely blinded by sound now as well. I suppose it could be possible that they think they have to much blinker fluid and are trying to use some up. Lord knows enough folks run out of blinker fluid and that cause a complete lack of blinker use at all. Mostly what I think is some people are just oblivious as to what is going around them. Radio on, drinking the coffee, texting, singing,  putting on makeup, reading the paper, checking their email on the laptop. You are laughing, I’ve been in a car with a person who does it.On the other side of this is the ones who never signal anything… they just drive around like they are on some preprogrammed computerized route that everyone knows about. Turn left, Turn right… nope, you have to guess what they are doing. These are usually the people who also swerve in and out of lanes trying to knock 45 seconds of their travel time. To these lovely people… and you know who you are I give you this coupon. Use it.no-purchase-required-free-blinker-fluid-1-free-bottle-iin-4971948All of that just to let you know that you… (pointing out of monitor) YES YOU! use your blinkers.

 

Bobbie the Giraffe — Coffee Encounter


Bobbi had heard stories about coffee since he was just 4 feet tall and to young to venture far from his mother. It was always ‘Don’t stray to far Bobbi’, as if he could ever get to far from his Mother she was so much bigger than he, so much faster. Today though Bobbi was finally tall enough to go off and his own. Amongst Giraffe’s it wasn’t about age, but height. Today Bobbi was as tall as the shorter Acacia tree’s they all ate from and finally he was going to go find the coffee. Mmmmmm Coffee, thought Bobbi.

Bobbi got all of his things together, his sneakers were all laced up and his hat was perched neatly on his head and last but not least, his coffee mug he had been given by a local tourist who’s son he had posed in a picture with when he was just 5 feet tall. I’m all set I suppose, no sense in waiting.  Bobbi wandered over to his Mother who was very tall for a female Giraffe and also very dignified as only a Giraffe could be with her long graceful neck and beautiful spots, a white slash of fur down her chest. ‘Mother I’m ready to go, do you have any advice for me?’

‘Advice? Yes, don’t go, Giraffe’s don’t drink coffee, and even if we did that mug of yours is far to small for a proper drink.’ Bobbi’s mother began circling around Bobbi looking him over, ‘and for goodness sake, don’t go out wearing your good shoes, those are for school.’

‘Mother, these aren’t my good shoes, these are my coffee bean design shoes see.’ Holding his hoof up to his Mother Bobbi thinks. All I want to do is go and get the coffee, I have to taste it, she just doesn’t understand. The smell, the amazing smell of the coffee its like heaven. She just doesn’t understand me. ‘ Besides Mom, its not that far to town, I wont be gone long maybe an hour’.

‘Fine fine dear just don’t be long, and for goodness sake be careful’. She replied turning away to continue her work.

With that Bobbi turned his body toward the town and began his trek. As soon as I get out of sight I can run she won’t know, besides these are my shoes. I traded my best copy of “To fool a Lion'” for them. Crossing over the hill headed to town Bobbi looked back to check that his mother wasn’t following, then as his head dipped below the hillside he began to run. Giraffe’s can reach speeds up to 50 mph when full grown but 40 is the best Bobbi could do for now; but he ran the whole way to town unable to wait for the first amazing cup of coffee.

Bobbi arrived in town after only 10 minutes of running, excited and out of breath. I’m here, I’m here! Now to find the coffee.  Looking around briefly Bobbi saw a sign with a picture of his mug on it. Quickly he cantered off down the street towards the sign, ‘Excuse Me, Excuse Me!’ Bobbi cried as he tried to keep from tripping over people and animals on his way to the shop.  Finally standing in front of it the place he had imagined for almost a year Bobbi could barely contain himself as he did a little Giraffe dance right in front of the shop. Excitedly Bobbi entered the Coffee shop and looked around. Shelves filled with cups and mugs were everywhere, bags of what he could only assume were coffee wherever he looked. The entire place had a wonderful fragrance that could only be the coffee. Approaching the counter Bobbi handed his special mug to the worker, ‘Could you please fill my cup with the best coffee you have?’

His cup returned to him Bobbi went to a table by the window and looked into it. A dark color almost the shade of the blackest thunderstorm. Steam rose from the cup bringing with it the magical smell he had dreamed of for most of a year now. Without any more hesitation Bobbi took his cup and downed it all in one big swallow.

Jenna standing behind the counter nearly jumped out of her skin as a loud screech came from the window table, followed by the sound of a mug smashing to the floor. A young giraffe was stumbling around and holding his throat as if he had just drank a boiling pot of water and burned himself from the tip of his tongue down all 5 feet of his neck.Which she supposed he really had, as she watched the giraffe finally bolted out the door and ran off down the street still screaming. ‘You know, I always thought giraffe’s were mute until I started working here.’

The End.

The Sock Experiments…


Understand, I have never ever done a complete load of just socks before… this is a first from me but I wanted to try and get them all white with bleach and stuff… even the black socks and striped ones and colored ones… all about uniformity. I did this because I am constantly losing socks in the wash… somehow there is always one missing. I figured If I turned them all white it wouldn’t matter… so bleach it is (yes it is great to be a guy)

So a few problems here… One … well the bleach thing didn’t work out like I planned… Two… there are a big pile of missing socks. So I decided to investigate once and for all I had a few thoughts on what could be going on.

Where Do Those Socks Go?

So sad, what has the world come too.

So sad, what has the world come too.

 

#1 The dryer is the being that delivers the sock puppet babies to expectant sock puppet parents. It does explain a few things if you look at it from just the right perspective (mine). We get half our genes from each of our parents. Eye color, skin tone, noses, bone structure… all of it we get from a blending of two individuals. Where do Sock puppets get theirs from? Well I believe it is possible that some force in this universe snatches the sock that would be a blending of the Mom and Dad sock puppet and delivers it to them via dryer. Similar to Stork deliveries only much more mysterious.

"Well Dear he does have your stripes and my Coloration".

“Well Dear he does have your stripes and my Coloration”.

#2 The dryer is secretly part of the Kitchen appliance conspiracy or perhaps the washer is framing it.  For those of you unaware, kitchen appliances have been out to get us for years they have been quietly building up their abilities. I’ll talk about that more some other post but for now, is it possible that the Washer and Dryer are both involved as well? I think it could even be possible that the Washer is really the one eliminating the socks and we simply blame the dryer, after all who sorts wet clothes to put in the Dryer. We are missing a step in our search for the truth. One of you readers should check this theory for me I’m to busy keeping g the gnome population in check.

Only the Major appliances seem to have skills. Things like coffee pots and simple toasters appear to be minions only.

Only the Major appliances seem to have skills. Things like coffee pots and simple toasters appear to be minions only.

 

#3 All dryers everywhere are part of S.P.E.W.  The Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, known as S.P.E.W., was founded in 1994 by Hermione Granger in response to what she saw as gross injustice in the treatment of house-elves. It is possible that in an attempt to help House-Elves get clothing in order to free them all Dryers everywhere have been made to disaparate one sock from the laundry into a warehouse at an undisclosed location in order to further S.P.E.W.’s goals. Critics of this theory claim it has one very large draw back. Socks have been disappearing since the invention  of the Dryer it would be unlikely that an organization only created in 1994 could be responsible. However, Hermione has possessed a Time-Turner before it is possible she used it to advance her cause.

It is possible... this could be it.

It is possible… this could be it.

** Note that House Elves are not really Elves, see page 29 for further information.

 

#4 A dimensional shift cause the socks to swap between alternate dryers. This seems to be taking hold as a possibility in some circles. Science… Always trying to explain things with rationals and such. Well if this were true at some picture below should have happened. It hasn’t happened at my house yet. I asked a few other people if it had ever happened to them and they all said no. So much for Science, these are the same folks that decided Pluto wasn’t a planet anymore, not sure why I listen to them after that fiasco.funny-laundry-law-infinite-probability

#5 Socks are an easy victim of spontaneous combustion. Socks have to go someplace and there is an awful lot of lint in my dryer vents… Is it possible the poor things just burst into flames? Poor socks, they are clean and warm, spinning around having a good time in the dryer when all of a sudden PFWOOSH!!! Combustion and then… sucked into the lint trap. We would never know, I wouldn’t I don’t have a glass opening on the dryer so I cant see in there… does anyone have a glass opening that could sit for say…. a few months and check this theory out?04f01629e65553750355c690e7522725cc036d

 

In an attempt to get us all answers, I asked God directly. God however is a busy Entity and hasn’t responded yet. Perhaps he prefers we all work this one out on our own. Where do you think the socks go? I would love to know. Leave a comment and perhaps, just perhaps together we can figure out this mystery together.

 

Golden Retriever Sock Recovery Program... still working out the bugs on this.

Golden Retriever Sock Recovery Program… still working out the bugs on this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Zombie Gnomes III The Apocalypse…. errr or not.


For a while there I was having some serious problems with Gnomes and Zombies. The normal gnomes were bad enough but the infected ones… so much worse. The only good part about the infected ones was their inability to move far without be seeing them do it. Still though, creepy little things. Apparently I no longer need to be worried about Garden Gnomes… at least not the Zombie variety.  Look what I can do now… How awesome is this. I can place them wherever I need to and if Worse comes to worse I have high powered lawn mowers just waiting in reserve all it took was a few trips to the local statuary and some parts from Radio Shack to SkyNet the Lawnmowers. No more sneaking little garden gnomes… or worse the zombified ones will trouble me.I can defend my entire yard now. No more Gnomes, no more Zombie Gnomes... Excellent.

They can creep and crawl all they want but I took my inspiration from various people on the net Apparently I am not the only one who has issues with the stupid evil little freakish gnomes scaring the crap out of people. Fortunately we have plants… they will take care of Zombies and Gnomes… I love these guys. Some of them are good for the daytime and some for the night… regardless I have never felt so safe since my flamethrower was confiscated. Let me tell you that wasn’t fun trying to get a new flamethrower… fortunately you can look almost anything up on the internet. Super soaker for the win!

I have the best Yard EVER!

 
I have the best Yard EVER!

This Evil bastard was trying to dart around behind me with his Pickaxe when he was stopped by my new friends. Nothing like a little imagination and some teamwork in order to keep Evil at bay. I must say, the cost was up there though. Cost me all of my Start Trek trading cards, My Talking Bacon Toy and three…THREE different versions of my Pikachu Trading card… a high price, very high indeed but I feel so much safer now.

He thought he was safe running past while my back was turned... I love My New Plants! I feel safe!

He thought he was safe running past while my back was turned… I love My New Plants! I feel safe!

Wondering Where to get Some of these toys??? CLICK

WATCH THE TRAILER!!!! ITS AWESOME!!!!

Things to avoid on Valentine’s Day


There are certain things you should avoid on Valentine’s day. This should be a simple enough topic… and yet… business’s are trying to trick you. For example on my nightly run for coffee I found this in the local convenience store.

Happy Valentines day love... Have a breath mint!

Happy Valentines day love… Have a breath mint!

This is without a doubt in my mind one of the absolute worst things you could buy “that special someone”. I can only imagine what the person receiving this charming little heart shaped tin of Altoids would be thinking. Although I suppose it could be something of a niche type product… chronic halitosis and love… I suppose we all have our little foibles. If I was given this as a gift I would be inserting the box into their mouth as I kicked their ass out the door.

Happy Valentines day... Your an amazingly wonderful partner... except for one thing...

Happy Valentines day… Your an amazingly wonderful partner… except for one thing…

LOL.. come on now… Dr. Ruth knows what she’s talking about… Happy Valentines day Lover, now.. go read this book and take notes… there will be a test and if you fail again… well lets just say you wont have to worry to much about an offensive gift next year. 🙂 Cross this off the list folks, and move on sheesh…

"Sweetheart I made us reservations at an amazing castle for Valentines day"

“Sweetheart I made us reservations at an amazing castle for Valentines day”

I’m telling you right now… you will not get laid taking anyone to White Castle for Valentines day, but you will sure as hell need the Altoids afterwards. Ok maybe some people… but.. you better have all your shots current. This might be fine if your name is Harold or Kumar… but I doubt it. Hmm ok or if you and the special someone are as high as a broken down space station.

 

Picking the wrong size can get you killed.

Another serious no no… I think this picture is fairly self explanatory… never ever get a woman clothes that are to big for them. Doing this on Valentines day will cause a second St Valentine’s Day Massacre. Chances are they will never find all the pieces to your corpse.

 

Now I know this is short, and it’s been a while since I put anything up on here… But, on the plus side of this if everything goes as it looks like it will be you will have quite a bit to read from me… by next Valentine’s day, Prolly sooner.

 

valentines-day-quotes

Happy Valentines day Everyone, Much Love to you all!